I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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