i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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