she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
