I cockslap morals
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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