Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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