I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
