I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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