she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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