he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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