When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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