and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
