You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
