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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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