I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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