I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
