Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
