dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
