I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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