i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
