I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
