Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
