I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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