Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
