turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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