I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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