I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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