Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
