Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
