you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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