If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
