Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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