He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
