He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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