I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
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