i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
