I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
