I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
