She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
