I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
