remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
