i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
