i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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