eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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