Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
