ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
