Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
