You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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