Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
