i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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