i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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