I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
