Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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