I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
