When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
