We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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