A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
