I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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