i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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